27 12 2010


And suddenly they were just words and they didn’t mean anything.





Looking for inspiration in old scraps of paper

8 09 2010

I stopped being nosey when I found pics of her on his computer. I decided then that I don’t want to know if he’s  missing her.

*****

In the morning when you kiss me, I always want to cry. I’m scared of the day when you won’t.

*****

I had the worst dream last night and you weren’t even in it, but all day I could not shake that it was all about you. And my heart ached.
I am not sure what you hear when I say that.
I don’t know if you know what it feels to have your heart long or fear someone. The idea of one’s core, so overwhelmed with emotion it swells and beats deeper with such purpose and pangs leaving it’s ripples in your guts, to your toes and eyes, pushing out tears. And like a tide pulls back and pushes out again.
Eyes closed.

*****

I have too many books on sadness
so I will put this on the shelf next to the others. Am I being unreasonable? Expecting too much? Perhaps I’ve doted on you more than I should because all I ever want is to see you smile. Am I still paying penance? When things are good I feel like I’ve earned that happiness. But when my mind swirls with the thoughts of loneliness while lying so close, I believe that too has been earned.

*****

Too many questions I am afraid I already know the answers to and I am not ready.
I am terrified.

*****

Thinking I’m making something out of nothing. Convincing myself that this could be the end of it all.
Acknowledging past behaviors, I slow down and begin sorting through the tumult of garbaged thoughts looking for some sort of revelation on what the real problem is and what to do next. I am here stomping my foot like an angry child not getting what she wants while watching someone else get everything.
I am a wreck.
Last night I was teetering on risking it all. I want to be kissed so hard, beyond desire. My heart is sinking on repeat. An elevator falling, then the thought starts fresh and again it drops. The want to be put against the wall and KISSED like he is going to die if he doesn’t. Because I feel like I’m going to die if he doesn’t.
I feel like I’m dying now.